Things That Go Bump In The Night
by jaffacake1
Summary: Ron has a terrifying encounter in the middle of the night, with... a spider on the dorm ceiling. Very short nonsense fic, but it's got good grammar! Isn't that enough to make you want to read it??


No more late night angst for me!  Now it's late night "humour".  PG because panicky Ron is also foul-mouthed Ron.

Disclaimer: One last time, for the slower ones amongst you (I'm looking at you, lawyers):  I.  Am.  Not.  J.  K.  Rowling.  Capische? 

Dedicated to the spider on my ceiling – my inspiration for this story.  The fact that the spider on my ceiling was, in fact, a grasshopper did not deter me one bit – who am I to let a little thing like facts get in the way of a story?  Oh, and if there is a single full stop followed by a non-capitalised (uncapitalised?) word, that is because ff.n keeps changing my dot-dot-dots to just plain dots.  Bah.

* * * * *

Ron Weasley, just do it!  It's nothing big, it's nothing scary, it's just a weensy little spider.  On the dorm room ceiling.  Hanging right over your head.  It's not going to hurt you… just reach for your wand… it'll make you feel safer, trust me.

Dammit.

Right, just because the spider is edging closer and closer to your wand table doesn't mean a thing.  You can still grab it.  Go on… Bugger!  Well, the spider's drooped onto your wand.  That's just bloody great.  If you'd just reached for it earlier, then we wouldn't be in this mess now, would we?  What else could you use?  Book… book… Seamus… book… shoe!  Throw the shoe at it!  Just edge over there, ever so slowly.  Get out of the covers *very* slowly.

Oh!  It's watching you!  The spider is watching you!  No, don't be ridiculous.  The spider is not intelligent, you've been through this with Hermione.  What was it she said?  Oh yeah… the spider is more scared of you than you are of it.  It must be having a bloody eight-legged heart attack then.

You can do this.  Remove your right leg, untangle your left leg, put them both *slowly* on the ground.  Good.  Now get out of your bed…slowly does it… turn around, it's not going to attack you.  Very good Ron.  Reach for the shoe… slow, careful movements – you don't want to scare the spider into attacking you.  Almost got it… almost… GOT IT!

Turn around now, and face the spider like a man!  You show that thing who's boss!  Take aim and… FIRE!!!

Bugger.  Bugger, bugger, bugger.  And did I mention… bugger??  This is not good.  Not good, not good, not goo – SNAP OUT OF IT RON!!  A spider is edging closer and closer to your best friend's arm, and all you can do is PANIC??  You wuss!!

Calm.  You can't throw the shoe at it now, you'll hit Harry, and I don't reckon he'd be pleased at you for waking him up at four in the morning, even if a spider *is* now crawling up his arm.  He definitely won't like it if he's woken up at four in the morning by a speeding shoe.  He needs his sleep.

Oh dear Lord, it's crawling up his arm!  The bloody spider is bloody crawling up his bloody arm! This calls for drastic action.

The spider's got from your wand table now, you can get your wand.  Reach over there… it's just putting your hand slightly nearer the bloody thing.  It's not like you have to pet it.  Just get your wand.

GOT IT!!  Yes!  Ron Weasley, you are a genius!  Well, a very brave person anyway.  Now what spell should we use on this furry little bugger?  Erm…

"Expelliarmus!"

Wahey!  Attaboy, now it's flown right out of the window.  Disaster narrowly averted – well done you!

"Ron?"

Oh no…

"Ron, what were you doing?"

"N-nothing Harry!"

Smile, smile and he won't suspect a thing.

"Nothing.  Right, that's why you're pale as a sheet and you're aiming your wand at my arm?"

Is he *laughing* at me??

"Erm…"  

Think of something to say, anything at all, just don't tell him the truth.

"There was a spider on your arm."

DAMMIT!

"And *snigger* you hexed it away?"

This is the thanks you get for saving him from a horrible fate?  Next time, just let it lay eggs in his ears.  

"Well, I, erm… I made it fly out of the window."

"You made it fly…?  Ron… go back to sleep."

"Right.  Night Harry."

"Night Ron."

Now for sleep, sweet sleep.  Put your wand down, get back under your covers, close your ey – wait, what's that?  There's a movement in that corner… it's a…

"RON!  Sleep!"

There's a spider in the corner and he wants you to *sleep*??  Now, just reach for your wand…

* * * * *

Well, that was nonsensical, was it not?  Review anyway.  Please?  I'll set the spiders on you…


End file.
